Note: After writing this post, I realized my blog and I celebrated our sixth-month anniversary on Sunday. Cheers to you, blog! Thanks for always being there, even when I think I don’t want you to be.
It has been three weeks since my last confession blog post. Sorry, guys (I realize I’m making the huge assumption that you actually noticed my absence). I do have lots of excuses for not posting, though. Here are just a few:
- My kids started school four weeks ago, and it has taken me some time to get back in the groove, to remember how to wake up at 6 a.m., pack lunches, sort out schedules and police homework. I’m not gonna lie. I’ve been falling asleep on the couch at 8 p.m. most evenings. Sometimes I wish the kids would put me to bed.
- I started a research project two weeks ago that consumes the majority of my free daytime hours (the ones where the kids are at school and I can actually think without constant interruptions). It’s been an adjustment trying to carve out time for other things during the day — although I do still seem to find lots of free hours to watch mindless television in the evenings. I have my priorities.
- I’m still looking for a full-time job. It’s only been two months since I was laid off, and I know it will take time before the right position comes along. But this job hunting stuff is pretty demoralizing challenging.
- My husband was away on business last week, leaving me all by my lonesome to handle two curriculum nights, a band concert, an ice skating lesson and a birthday party. Four days felt like 14. As always, I bow my head to you single parents out there. You are far braver and stronger than me. Could one of you come over and help me next time he leaves?
Obviously, I have been extremely busy and just haven’t been able to find the time to blog, right? Wrong. The truth is I haven’t had anything to say — at least nothing I thought you would want to hear.
I’m not going to blame “writer’s block” because, frankly, that would sound pompous and pretentious coming from the likes of me. It’s not like I’m Jane Austen or anything. Heck, I’m not even the grammatically challenged author of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” (What’s her name?) I’m just a woman/wife/mom who likes to spout off about her family a variety of topics, and this is where I do it. Here, on my blog, my forum, my safe haven, my analyst’s couch.
Only lately my blog and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye. In fact, I’ve taken to avoiding her. She just doesn’t seem to get me anymore. I sit down to talk to her, and I feel like she’s not listening. Even worse, she’s been a little condescending. She may not say it outright, but there’s this undertone of: “Hey, snap out of it already. You lost your job two months ago; would you stop feeling sorry for yourself?”
Unfortunately, I haven’t been ready to snap out of it. And it really ticks me off that she pressures me to do so. Every time I sit down to write, I feel her mocking me, shaking her head. “You’re not going to write about how hard it was to lose your job again, are you?” “You know, there are a lot of people with far worse problems out there than yours.” “You really need to get over yourself.”
Thanks, blog. Thanks a lot.
Apparently she doesn’t realize that when you’re feeling sorry for yourself, the last thing you want is for someone to list all the reasons you shouldn’t be. I guess that’s why I’ve been keeping my distance from my blog. I wasn’t ready to stop wallowing. I didn’t want to buck up, cheer up, put on a brave face or any of those other clichés about positive thinking in the face of adversity. And her silent judgment was just more than I could handle.
Still, I knew that at some point I would have to put her in her place. I mean, she’s MY blog after all. Am I really going to sit back and let her keep pushing me around?
So I’m posting today, guys. No more excuses. I still don’t feel like I have anything important to say, but the “woe is me” cloud appears to be lifting. And that’s something. Maybe if I let my blog in on what I’m thinking and feeling, she might be able to help me through it — or at least give me the kick in the rear I need to keep moving forward.
Come on, blog. I’m counting on you.
I’m hanging out at the Yeah Write Speakeasy this week. Come on over and check out this great community of writers who blog and bloggers who write.